How Not to Be a Parent
by that one little guy
Summary: Lea attempts to break some uncomfortable news to his friends, only to discover "The Talk" is even worse when being given to artificially created humans. Or, over ten years on this site and I finally wrote a slash fic. RATING'S THERE FOR A REASON YO.


**A/N:** This is meant to take place after KH3, and I kind of wanted to wait until the game actually came out to post this, but that's clearly not going to be for another ten years or so. Also oops my ship is showing.

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Afternoons in Radiant Garden were irresistible now that the place was finally back to its old self, thanks to the tireless efforts of the Restoration Committee. With the sunlight, the flowers, the fountains, and the fact that the Heartless were finally gone, it was nearly as peaceful as it had been all those years ago. It was for these reasons – helped along once Lea had told his friends that Twilight Town was _not_ the only world where one could find sea salt ice cream – that the three of them were there today.

"This has been a really fun day," Roxas said with a contented smile on his face, gazing after a butterfly as it flitted through the air. He and the others were sitting in a circle in the grass (Lea was actually lying on his side at the moment), eating their ice cream together and idly watching the passerby wandering the streets. They hadn't had time to spend together like this since their Organization days, back when everything had seemed so simple. After everything that had come between them, everything that had forced them to realize how precious their friendship truly was, it felt like it had been an eternity.

Roxas looked up at his friends. "I'm really glad we decided to come here today."

"You really grew up here, Lea? This world is so beautiful," Xion said with a hint of jealousy.

"Yeah, it sure is," Lea sighed, his ice cream stick dangling from his mouth, his head propped up by his elbow. He was gazing at the ground, making a point not to look at either of his friends. Normally he would have said a lot more, but in fact he hadn't been very talkative all day… or very cheerful.

He hadn't told Roxas and Xion yet, but the whole reason he'd invited them out here was to tell them something. As a matter of fact, it was something extremely uncomfortable he would rather keep from them at all costs, but he knew it was only a matter of time before they found out for themselves, and then there'd be twelve kinds of hell to pay when they learned he'd _kept_ this from them… so he'd tried to be the bigger man and break this to them gently, which was of course proving to be impossible. He'd been putting it off all day, and the longer he did, the more uneasy and quiet he became.

His two young friends weren't the most naturally intuitive people, but even they had started to realize something was wrong.

"Lea… what's going on with you today?" Roxas finally asked.

Lea lifted his gaze away from the ground and up at him. "Huh? What do you mean?"

Roxas frowned. "You haven't even been looking us in the eye today. I thought you were the one who really wanted to come here. What's the point of bringing us here if you're not even going to talk to us?"

Xion was looking at curiously at Lea as well, awaiting an explanation. Lea felt himself shrink beneath their gazes, his heart sinking in dread. He really couldn't put this off anymore. The last time he – well, _Axel_ had kept secrets from them, it had completely torn them apart and… well, he wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

He let out a heavy, burdened sigh, sitting up and taking the stick out of his mouth. "…I'm sorry, guys," he said softly, lowering his gaze again and falling back on his old nervous tic of scratching his head. "I guess I've just been… there's…" He forced the words out. "There's something I need to tell both of you."

Roxas and Xion immediately grew tense, their identical blue eyes widening. "Tell us what?" said Roxas. Given the disasters they'd been through, this could be something very bad indeed. "Lea? What's wrong?"

"Is there something we can do?" Xion asked in concern.

 _Don't hate me? That'd be a start,_ Lea thought hopelessly. Even after everything he'd done to them, they were automatically giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming this was about something that had happened _to_ him, not something he'd _done._ Gods, they were never going to forgive him for this…

"No, guys. Just…" He couldn't even finish. What a coward he was. These guys deserved the truth, and he couldn't even give them that. But the words wouldn't leave his mouth, he was so afraid of what would happen once he finally admitted to it…

 _Just spit it out. Just get it over with._

He lifted his head back up. He wasn't a _complete_ coward, anyway. He would look them in the eyes while he said this.

"Isa and I are in love."

Nothing happened. Lea groaned and shut his eyes, covering his face and awaiting the storm he had just unleashed. He could already hear Roxas flying into one of his righteous tirades about how awful Saix had been to all three of them and how _could_ you, Lea, I thought we were _friends…_ so he was quite confused once several seconds had passed and there was only silence.

Cautiously, he opened his eyes to find Roxas and Xion looking at him blankly. Confused, but not exactly angry…

"…You guys…" Lea ventured after an awkward moment. "…know what 'in love' means, right?"

"Like Belle and the Beast, right?" Roxas proffered. "But… aren't you in love with us too, Lea?"

Lea immediately winced that particular phrasing. "No… guys, there's a difference between 'love' and ' _in_ love'."

This appeared to be news to the both of them. "There is?" said Xion.

"Well, yeah." Lea felt his tension start to ease now that he'd made it this long without being impaled on a Keyblade. "We all love each other, so we goof around and eat ice cream together and stuff. When Isa and I have ice cream together, it generally ends up places other than our mouths."

Unfortunately, the only effect this statement had was to make a random passerby spit out the pop he had been drinking. Roxas and Xion continued staring at him uncomprehendingly.

"Uh… never mind. That was probably a bad example."

"So why don't you do those things with _us_ , Lea?" asked Xion, sounding a little hurt.

"Because. You're _kids_ , and there are _laws_ against that stuff."

"There's laws against _ice cream?_ " Roxas stared down at his own ice cream with his trademark awed and pensive look. "I had no idea it was so serious…"

Lea quickly felt the beginnings of a headache coming on. "No – guys, just forget about the ice cream. The ice cream is not relevant." This conversation was not going anywhere near how he wanted it to, but naïve as they were, his friends only had more questions now.

"Why do people become 'in love', Lea?" asked Xion.

 _Well, at least that's an easy one._ "To make babies."

"So you and Isa are going to make _babies?_ " Roxas said incredulously, not sounding very happy at the thought.

 _Or not._ "I – well, no, we can't. Isa's not a woman."

Xion tilted her head slightly. "You have to be a woman to make babies?"

"But Vexen made babies all the time," Roxas reminded him.

Lea snorted. "Well he's sure as hell got the hips for it, but – " A bit belatedly, he realized what he was saying. "No, guys. A Replica is not the same thing as a baby."

"So what's the difference?" Roxas asked persistently.

Lea couldn't believe this. _Is this_ actually _happening? Am I actually giving the birds and the bees talk to my two underage friends who are also my unofficial adopted children? What the hell did I do to deserve this… I mean, besides spending ten years as a murderous sociopath._

"Well, it's like… a Replica is just a copy of one person, but a baby is like… a combination of two _different_ people." He tried to remind himself that both of them had come into the world through completely untraditional means and really had no way of knowing these things. Maybe it really was his responsibility to tell them.

Roxas didn't look any less confused. "But Xion is a combination of two people, isn't she? Sora _and_ Kairi."

Lea paused. "Er… well, yeah, I guess she is…"

"So does that mean she's a baby, not a Replica?"

"And does that mean _I_ could make babies?" Xion piped up.

Lea nearly started choking. "Yes, but you don't _want_ to, do you Xion?"

"I don't know, it could be interesting…"

On the list of things one wants to hear from a young girl who is effectively their daughter, this ranked _very_ low. "No. No, it is _not_ interesting. Please just trust me on this." Lea's headache was flaring up worse than ever. He groaned and rubbed his forehead, wishing he were literally anywhere else right now. Fighting off a swarm of Nobodies and blowing himself up was preferable to this conversation.

Roxas and Xion could tell he was uncomfortable, but he still hadn't done much to clear things up. "So… why are you and Isa in love if you can't make babies?" asked Roxas.

Lea let out a sigh, craning his head up and gazing at the sun filtered through the clouds, wondering how he could possibly phrase this. "Well, you know, that's not the _only_ reason people fall in love. For us, it was…" He picked his words carefully. "When Isa came back from being possessed, it made us realize… how _important_ we are to each other, and how much we need each other, and those feelings were all the stronger because we'd been fighting before and came so close to losing each other forever." He looked back down, fiddling with his ice cream stick. "So, yeah. I guess we fell in love because we nearly killed each other."

…And of course, that explanation would have worked much better if he hadn't _also_ fought and nearly killed both of the people present. Which was obviously not lost on them.

"But you fought us too, and – "

"Yes, I _remember_ , Xion. This is different, please just believe me, it's _different_."

"So if you can't make babies, that means you have to try to kill somebody before you fall in love with them?" said Roxas.

"Not if you're normal, you don't. Usually you fall in love and _then_ try to kill each other." Lea was so thoroughly done with this he couldn't even describe it. He was tired, he wanted to go home, and he was pretty sure this conversation was drawing a crowd. "Guys, do you at least… _sort_ of understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

Obviously, the answer was no, but Roxas exchanged a glance with Xion and ventured to speak up anyway. "…When you put ice cream in different places, it makes a baby come out… and Vexen's a woman?"

Lea sighed deeply. "Yes. That is exactly right, Roxas. Now let us carry on with our day and forget this conversation ever happened."

He flopped over on his back, shutting his eyes and immediately trying to do just that, but Xion apparently still had something she wanted to ask.

"…Does it have to be _sea salt_ ice cream?"

Lea sat bolt upright and stared at her. "Wait, _what –_ "

Roxas had another question too. "So does that mean Vexen made Xion by putting ice cream in – "

"Okay, we are GOING HOME," Lea said very loudly, hauling the two of them up by their ears so roughly that they dropped their ice cream, dragging them down the street and ignoring their loud protests all the way.

––

"I still don't get what any of that had to do with Lea and Isa," Xion said later that evening as she and Roxas were cleaning and putting away the dishes.

"Neither do I. It's all really confusing," Roxas sighed thoughtfully as he dried a dinner plate, leaning against the counter. "I wonder if it has something to do with them having sex the other night when they thought we weren't home."


End file.
